What's Up, Pussycat? Read online

  Gradually, I began to socialize with some of the other actors. James and Karl didn’t get along with each other, so I spent time with each of them separately, but I also got to know a few others and found some wonderful new friends amongst them. When I thought about the way I’d been just a short time ago—despairing of ever finding my way through life without pain—the way things had changed amazed me. It had all been down to that magazine I hadn’t bothered to cancel.

  * * *

  The months flew by, and when I traveled home to Nottingham on the anniversary of Andrew’s death, I went with a much lighter heart than I expected. Given the circumstances, Maurice had agreed for my understudy to take my role for one night to give me the time I needed to visit Andrew’s grave at the usual hour. It was a warm night and a myriad stars filled the sky.

  “Hey, Andy.” I placed the bunch of assorted brightly colored flowers in front of the grave stone. I’d selected one bloom for each week I’d missed a visit. “I’m sorry I haven’t been to see you in so long, but you know why. Hopefully you’ve still been able to hear me talking to you. So, it’s been a year and so much has happened. I never thought I’d be sitting here feeling the way I do now. I never thought the pain would get any less. It’s still there—I still miss you so much, but each day it seems easier.

  “I still get stage-fright, but it’s not so bad. I’m actually enjoying being on the stage. Mistoffelees is good for me. I almost wish I’d done it when you were still here, but it was your time then, not mine. I won’t be going on when this run finishes. I’ve done what I needed to do. I don’t know if it was just good timing, or if fate had a hand in it, but Mistoffelees came up right when I needed him. You know why I wanted to be him. I thought it’d bring me closer to you and make you proud. But it’s also made me more confident and helped me move forward. I’ve made new friends. I’m starting to have a life again.

  “Just a few more weeks and I’ll be back at the house. Your mum’s been looking after the garden and checking things over. I’ll take better care of it when I get back.” I had also made the decision to move back into the main bedroom. I’d miss Andrew being there, but I didn’t feel as if it would hurt anymore.

  I stayed an hour as I always did. I talked about everything and although a few tears spilled over, I didn’t weep as if my heart would break. When I walked away, I felt as if I’d been able to say good-bye properly, and that my future would start to be my own.

  Chapter Eight

  The last weeks of the musical were over much too quickly. Most of the cast bemoaned having to give up their cat characters, and I had to admit I would miss Mistoffelees. I would miss the new friends I’d made, too. Many of them would go on to other shows, although some would stay in Nottingham, at least while they were rehearsing for the next show. Maurice had decided to do Grease, and auditions were due to start the week after the final night of Cats.

  The final performance was sold out and when it ended, the cast celebrated together at the small restaurant next to the theater, that Maurice had booked out for our use. Everyone stayed in costume, makeup and all. Afterward, the bus took us back to the studios. James’s girlfriend, Abby, had come to the show and they slipped away to his room together. I went back to Karl’s room to share a half-bottle of champagne he’d managed to acquire from the restaurant and from then, things took a surprising turn.

  Karl put the champagne on top of the fridge and turned toward me. “I can’t believe it’s over! I can’t believe I didn’t throw up this week either.”

  I laughed. “Nice, Karl. I was hoping you’d tell me about whether you puked or not.”

  “Twat. Come ’ere!” He grabbed me in a bear hug and turned around, almost swinging me off my feet.

  I clutched at him to stop myself falling onto the TV. “You idiot! There isn’t room to swing a cat in here.”

  We dissolved into fits of laughter, still holding onto each other. When I tilted my head back to look up at the grinning tabby face above me, Karl suddenly stopped laughing. He paused there, his bright green eyes searching mine. Then he ducked his head and brought our lips together.

  For a moment, I was too stunned to react. I didn’t know if it was the spur of the moment, or if he liked me. There’d been no sign of anything other than friendship, although he still flirted with everyone, including me, so it was difficult to tell. While I hesitated, he deepened the kiss and tightened his arms around me.

  It had been so long since I felt a man’s lips on mine—almost fourteen months. I thought I’d never want to experience it again, but suddenly things were different. It felt good and I kissed back, running my hands over Karl’s lycra-covered shoulders. He groaned and thrust his tongue into my mouth while at the same time, he slid a hand down to cup my ass. Heat rushed to my groin, and I tried to pull away to prevent him from feeling my growing erection. But when I felt his hardness rub against mine, I pressed closer instead.

  I allowed himself to be propelled backward to the bed and lowered onto it. I sank onto the mattress, legs spread as Karl settled over me. He pulled his head back, panting for breath, and ran a hand down my body. I squirmed beneath him and moaned at the feel of his erection grinding against mine. I was desperate to feel more and when he lifted his hips away and cupped my cock through my catsuit, I bucked up into his palm. The heat of his hand through the lycra made my cock throb, and I couldn’t suppress a deep groan of pleasure as he squeezed me.

  “Fuck these costumes,” Karl gasped. “Unzip me, will you?”

  The suits had zippers running from the back of the neck to the bottom of the spine, and I fumbled with Karl’s. I drew it down slowly and he moaned in frustration. “Christ, hurry up, I don’t wanna come in the fucking thing.”

  Biting back a laugh, I jerked at the stubborn zipper until it reached the belt holding his cat tail and stopped. I pushed the thick furry tail out of the way and my hand slid across the smooth surface of his ass.

  I froze and lay still, holding my breath. It had been so long and yet it was too soon. I’d never even kissed Karl before—wasn’t sure whether we really liked each other like that—but I’d let myself get swept along into a situation where we could end up having sex. Panic doused my arousal and my cock softened. Karl felt it and removed his hand. He propped himself up a little more and met my eyes. I turned my face away with a sigh.

  “I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. I can’t do this.”

  He pulled himself up and sat back on his heels. His erection bulged obscenely in the front of his costume and he pressed his hand over it. His face flushed with embarrassment and hurt. “No, I’m sorry. I ought to have known you wouldn’t be interested in me like that.”

  “It’s not you.” Feeling at a disadvantage lying on my back with my legs spread, I sat up and crossed my ankles in front of me.

  “It’s not you, it’s me. Yeah, I’ve heard that one.” Karl laughed awkwardly.

  “I mean it. It really is me.”

  “Fuck.” He groaned and hung his head further. “You’re not ready, are you? It’s too soon after… Look, just forget anything happened, okay? I’m sorry.”

  “Hey.” I touched his arm. “It’s not that. It’s not about Andrew. Well, it kind of is in a way. He was the only man I’ve ever been with. I don’t want to do this with you in a rush when we’re both on a high from the show. I’m not sure if I’m totally ready to be with somebody else yet, but when I am, I don’t want it to be a quick fumble that doesn’t mean anything.”

  “Okay.” Karl looked relieved. “I’m not completely unappealing then?”

  “No.” I smiled and climbed off the bed. I was confused and I needed to think about things. Kissing him had been good—hell, I’d been so hard for a few minutes, I’d thought I might do what he joked about, and come in my costume. But what I told him was the truth. I didn’t want a quick fumble. When I slept with someone again, whoever that was, I wanted to be dating them.

  “I’m going back to my room.” I placed my hand on Karl’s shou
lder and gave it a squeeze. “I’ll see you tomorrow on the bus.”

  “Yeah. G’night.” He didn’t move as I left the room.

  I barely slept that night. Mostly I thought about Karl, and I talked to Andrew in my head. I knew in my heart Andrew would be happy for me to move on with another man, just like Carol had said. I just wasn’t sure I wanted to do that with Karl, whom I’d come to know as a friend. There was no denying the man was attractive and sexy, but I didn’t know if there could be anything between us worth pursuing. I decided I’d be better off leaving it alone and continuing with our friendship if he still wanted that. I assumed I would know when things were right, whether it would be with him or someone else.

  The next morning, everyone piled onto the bus with their belongings, ready to travel back to Nottingham. Karl was conspicuous by his absence and several people commented on it. Annette protested when the bus began to move, but someone else called out that Karl had already left on the train. Apparently, he couldn’t wait another hour and would rather throw away his money unnecessarily.

  A pang of guilt touched me when I heard this. I would have been willing to bet his going home on the train had something to do with what had happened last night. He probably felt uncomfortable about facing me and decided to slip away by himself.

  I spent the journey sitting alone in silence. James had decided to stay in London for a couple of days with Abby, and most of the other cast members were paired off. I thought about what I would do when I got home, and decided I needed to pick up my writing career again. That thought occupied me on the way home, although Karl frequently crept into my thoughts. I wondered what he would do next. He’d mentioned auditioning for Grease. I thought about contacting him to check he was okay, but then realized we’d never exchanged phone numbers. The only way I could contact him would be through Maurice, and I didn’t want to do that.

  I spent the rest of the day rearranging things in the house. I moved my belongings back into the main bedroom, aired the bed, and made it up with fresh sheets. I went out to buy a few things for the fridge, but Carol had already stocked it with essentials, so I didn’t need to get much. I spent a little time in the garden, studying the plants that grew there and recognizing some of the flowers I’d bought for Andrew from the florist. I vowed not to neglect it in the future, the way I had for the past year.

  The following day, I threw himself back into my work. I’d put a holding page on my website while I was away, so I removed this and worked on some promotional posts on Facebook and Twitter, to let people know I was back in business. Then I wrote an article to post on the website, and responded to a few emails. There was one from my mother inviting me to dinner. We’d talked on the phone once a week after the last conversation, and it seemed she was trying to build bridges. I hadn’t spoken to my dad yet, but if I was invited to dinner, apparently Dad wanted to improve things as well. I decided it was time to move on and try to forget the differences we’d had over the past few years. If my parents were willing to try, I would, too.

  I kept in touch with James and saw him every couple of weeks. He had the part of Sonny in Grease, and he told me that Karl was Kenickie, and Annette was Frenchie. It made a tiny part of me wish I’d auditioned. I missed the friends I’d made through Cats, but I accepted the stage wasn’t really for me. I went to see Grease on opening night at the end of November, my gaze glued to Kenickie whenever the character was on stage, but I didn’t hang around afterward to see the cast. I needed to get an early night. My work had quickly taken off again and I almost had more than I could handle. Despite a vague longing to reconnect with Karl, I ignored it and returned to my life alone.

  Chapter Nine

  I spent Christmas Day with my parents. Things had gradually improved between us, but I wasn’t so sure that would last if a new man came into my life. I kept remembering those few minutes in Karl’s arms after the last performance of Cats. Part of me wished I’d asked Maurice for Karl’s number, or hung around after the performance of Grease to speak to him. I’d begun to really like him and after that brief interlude, I imagined us together and wondered if anything would have come of it. I was still tempted to call Maurice and sound him out, but I felt awkward about doing that and thought I’d left it too long. Karl had probably forgotten about me.

  On New Year’s Day, I went out for a long walk. An icy wind whistled through the streets, and I huddled inside a heavy coat. As I visited the graveyard, I realized it was the first time I’d been there in two months. I still missed Andrew horribly, but after the anniversary visit, I’d been able to let go. I remembered all the happy times we shared without it bringing me to despair.

  I stayed only a few minutes, telling Andrew that with the start of the New Year, I intended to try to find someone to spend time with. I was tired of being lonely and I knew my man would understand. When I left, I stepped into a coffee shop to warm up. I ordered a latte and a slice of chocolate cake, and looked around for a place to sit. The tables were almost all filled with chattering people.

  A familiar figure sat in the corner. His back was turned and a multi-colored beanie covered his head, but I recognized his bright red checkered jacket. He had his head down, resting in one hand, and a magazine lay open on the table in front of him. I had only been thinking about him that morning, wondering what he was doing. I took a deep breath and made my way to the table, a grin spreading over my face.

  “What’s up, Pussycat?” I placed my coffee and cake on the table, and sat on the empty chair. Karl looked up in surprise.

  “Fin!”

  “Hey. You look different.” I frowned when I took in the neatly cut brown hair protruding from under his hat. Then I noticed his eyes. They were gray.

  “Yeah, well. I thought it was time to be honest. This is the real me.”

  “Your eyes—”

  “I wore colored contacts before.” Karl grimaced.

  I smiled. “How’s Grease going?”

  “Yeah, it’s good. The stage-fright hasn’t improved.” He cleared his throat and looked down at the table. “I’m sorry about what happened the last time we saw each other. I know I messed up.”

  “You didn’t do anything wrong, seriously. I just didn’t want a quick romp that might not have meant anything. And I needed to think about what I wanted for myself. I wish you hadn’t run away the next day. I’d have told you that.”

  “I didn’t run away.” He sighed heavily. “Well, maybe I did. I don’t do rejection very well.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “So…” He smiled suddenly, eyes twinkling, and the old Karl was back. “Did ya miss me?”

  “Of course.” A flutter in my stomach reminded me how much he had been on my mind. “I’ve hardly seen anyone since I got back. Only James.”

  “He still thinks I’m a dick.” He stuck out his bottom lip. “So, what are you doing?”

  “Working again. I’m enjoying it. I came to see the show, by the way. On opening night. You were great. Kenickie was always my favorite character.”

  “Thanks.”

  I sipped my coffee and studied him. He looked different without the shock of peroxide hair and bright green eyes. He looked nice. He looked like the kind of man I would enjoy spending time with—maybe as more than a friend. I doubted he would ask, even if he was interested. He didn’t do rejection very well. I asked myself whether I had the courage to ask. My heart slammed against my ribs and my mouth went dry. I took a large gulp of coffee, and grimaced as it burned its way down my throat. The silence stretched out between us until Karl broke it.

  “What are you thinking?”

  I cleared my throat. “I was wondering…” I paused and gathered my still fragile confidence. I slipped my hands under the table and surreptitiously wiped the damp palms on my thighs. “I wondered if you’d like to go out sometime. With me.” My cheeks warmed, but I forced myself to lift my gaze and meet Karl’s.

  “You’re asking me out?” He looked stunned.

  “Yeah.
Is that a lousy idea? Are you with someone?”

  “No! No, I’ve been single for months. Not even a one-nighter since before I met you. Um, sorry, you don’t want to hear that. I’m terrible at this. That’s probably why I never managed to hang onto anyone for more than a couple of months.”

  Much to my astonishment, Karl flushed vividly and didn’t seem to know where to look. I remembered him saying he adopted his annoying persona to give himself confidence, and I wondered if that applied to the rest of his life, as well as the stage.

  “Yes or no. That’s all you need to say.” I smiled and waited.

  “Yes. Of course, yes.” He laughed and I released a sigh of relief. I thought I’d been about to learn what rejection felt like. “I always fancied you, you know,” he continued. “I’d never have said anything. That night after the last show—it was adrenalin and Dutch courage.” He laughed louder.

  I glanced around and noticed several people eyeing us with interest. I finished my coffee and cake as quickly as I could, and got up from the table.

  Karl rose too, and followed me outside. “We should swap numbers.” He pulled out his phone as we hovered outside the shop. I removed my phone from my pocket and we tapped in each other’s numbers. “Have you got anything to do right now? I mean, it’s New Year’s Day so I don’t suppose you’re working. Maybe we could do something?”

  “Yeah, I’d like that.” I nodded and walked alongside him as we headed toward the city center. My heart thumped hard in my chest with a combination of excitement and nervousness. I hadn’t felt like that in so long I couldn’t even remember it. I glanced up at him as we walked, and smiled when our eyes met. He touched my arm, and tentatively worked his way down to my hand. I gladly laced our fingers together and gave his hand a squeeze.

  We made our way to a popular bar, and Karl went to buy drinks. The bar was packed with people celebrating the New Year, and I waited in a small space I found to stand in. There were no available seats, but it didn’t matter. He returned with two bottles of beer and passed one to me.